Hating Skinny Bitches: Not an Equal Opportunity Game

We all know that it's easy to hate naturally skinny girls--the ones who probably don't even know how to pronounce "fat free", eat M&M's for lunch and still look bangin in a bikini? It's easy to glare at them from behind your 0% Greek Yogurt with fresh blueberries and curse every ounce of genetics in their 98 pound bodies as they sip on full fat lattes. 


But what about the runners? The six-days-a-week yogis? The 'all sauces on the side', 'can I get that steamed not fried' nauseatingly healthy skinny girls? The ones who clearly work very hard for their hot bods? Surely they inspire some respect. I mean, you can't hate someone for having what they deserve...right?


You couldn't be more wrong: I hate those bitches the most. Why? Where do I start...

• They look good in running clothes. And know it. Unlike naturally skinny bitches, or NSB's, these SB's workout on the reg. So they are often spotted grabbing a coffee or taking a dog to the park in tiny little shorts, a sports bra, and surely some super cute light jacket that you will never be able to find in any store ever because the bitch got it "summering in Europe" (because skinny bitches are always saying shit like that). But how can I complain about something I do constantly. Because--let's get real-- if I'm planning to go to the gym at eight pm you be certain that I will be wearing my Nikes and spandex capris all day. So how can I be upset for them doing the same thing as me? Because when someone sees me in my workout gear they probably think things like, "good for her, she's trig to lose some weight." Ok, but if a skinny bitch walks in dressed like that, they are thinking more along the lines of, "she looks better in that than I do in my normal clothes" or "I would give a left ball to watch her pick up that sugar packet I just dropped on the floor."
  
• They always make you look like a ravenous pig when you go out to eat. I go through some sort of internal battle every time I go out to eat. Do I let myself eat some of that spinach dip? If so how much can I eat before I have to start feeling guilty? Or should I just suck it up and get super into this salad with low fat dressing and grilled chicken? But these SB's barely even bat an eyelash as they look through the menu, seeking to most boring-- I mean healthy--thing and order it without so much as a second thought about the possibility of fried deliciousness in melted cheese. 

• Their idea of 'splurging' is healthier than most of your healthy food. Sometimes you just need to say "fuck it" and eat a doughnut or four, or get blackout drunk on passion fruit margaritas In order to keep from chewing off your fingernails and going completely insane with diet-madness. But these skinny bitches are incapable of letting go and enjoying the whipped cream of life. Imagine, for example, you are raging on your lady times and just need to eat white carbs. Well your skinny bitch friend is the last person to call.While you dig into your well deserved bowl of refined carbohydrates and dairy-based sauces, skinny bitch will be just as enthusiastically attacking her grilled chicken breast with steamed seasonal veggies, sauces on the side. At Starbucks they get unsweetened green tea; when you go out for ice cream they order sherbet.  

• There is nowhere to focus your burning anger/jealousy. You can't be pissed at their supermodel parents or a crazy out of control metabolism. They aren't secretly part of a super race created in a laboratory to destroy/make and entire gender feel insecure. They aren't Swedish. They just do all of the shit you're supposed to do. And that is really fucking annoying. 

So what of the skinny bitches who work for it and are not naturally skinny, the afters who we all seek to one day be? There must be some sort of unspoken bond between us befores and the newly skinny bitches? These has to be an overwhelming sense of respect--enough to outweigh the small medium amount of jealousy bubbling under the surface?

Nope. Hate them the most. 

Losing Weight Blows

And anyone else who tells you differently if lying to your face. It hardcore sucks.
Don't get me wrong, it's totally worth it, and you feel amazing and blah blah blah. We've all heard about the awesome benefits of losing weight and getting more fit. But that doesn't make the chafing and sugar cravings and sweating down your butt crack (and cleavage) and getting everything "on the fucking side" go away. No one likes to account for the time in between losing weight and it being visible to the outside world. You know that time when you walk around like hot shit, but get pissed off because no one complements you on your rocking new bod (that is down a whopping seven pounds), so you get depressed and think that nothing is working and maybe eat a whole sleeve of Thin Mints?

I've done the weight loss Tumblr thing, and lost 30 pounds while doing it. But then I sort of got sick of it, lost interest in getting healthy and went back to being a lazy ass hole.
Obviously the fault is entirely mine, but in the grand tradition of blaming your problems on others, I want to blame the "rah rah, you can do it" oozy-gooey, touchy-feely world that weight loss blogs tend to lean toward. I just got so bored of reading about all the super incredible steps people were taking on their weight loss journey. Sure, someone will go on a rant every once and a while about how fed up they are and how hard it all is. But two hours later they went on a nice run, drank a big glass of mint wanter and are feeling more psyched than ever!

My dashboard was constantly full of inspiring quotes, and Nike ads with beautiful women with strong thighs running through a city, stories of how much you have changed since losing weight and all of the positives in your life. Which is all well and good, but it's not me.

I'm your friend who isn't afraid to talk loudly and openly about the stink of her post-workout underboob sweat; who has no shame in picking a serious wedgie where and whenever it presents itself.
So then it hit me, why should I change that in my weight loss journey (god, that phrase is exactly what I'm talking about,  isn't there a was to say it that sounds less Dr. Phill) on my way to becoming more awesome? Exactly.  I shouldn't.

So here it is, the good and bad and everything in between on my weight loss journey way to becoming sexy as hell.